Upon Not Returning to School

With Candice (a former student who became
a friend and colleague) at her housewarming party.

My whole life I've been either a teacher or a student. As my friends fill their Facebook pages with pictures and stories of the return to school, I've become acutely aware that this is the first fall in more than forty years I'm not returning too.

Yes, at 50 it's an early retirement. I'm not retiring in the classic sense, though, which is reflected in the word's etymology: French for withdrawing into safety and seclusion.

In fact, my leap into retirement has been the opposite: relinquishing our home to live a traveling life. Not seclusion but reaching out into the world by immersing in experiences and writing about them.

And then the unexpected: seizure, brain tumor, surgery, healing. What timing. If I'd been going through all of this while having to think about what to do with my classes ... and to make sure my medical benefits stayed in tact ... and to plan to enter the semester partway through ... Well, that just would have been no fun for me or the students.

This timing has been amazing for other reasons. Instead of being in Hawaii this fall, we are in the Bay Area for my treatment and recovery. So I'm getting to spend time with some of my colleagues, who are also good friends. This is softening the transition of leaving the professorial tribe.

The other thing that has happened is this: As news has spread about my health, former students have been inspired to contact me, flooding me with appreciation. Many didn't even know I'd planned to retire. This conversion of forces is a thing of beauty. I'm feeling the love. Big time. I've received many special messages.  Here's one that especially touched my heart:

Dear Kate,

I don't get on Facebook much, so please forgive me for being behind, but I now understand you've been through quite an experience. I'm glad you are healing well and hope you continue to do so.

You might not remember me, as you've probably had hundreds of students since we were last in touch, but to this day I cherish having had you in my life. To borrow from The Artist's Way, you were a champion of my creative self-worth, and to borrow from a credit card commercial, that's priceless! All the while, you were always a model on how to soak up life, even in hard times, of which you've had more than your fair share. I don't understand life, but because of you I better understand how to love it.

If I inspired one person to love life, I'd say my days of teaching have been well spent.

Are you Excited? Frantic? Scared? (The One We Feed)

"Are you excited?"  That's what many of my friends ask me when I mention we will be leaving to travel the world in less than two weeks.

Also:  "Are you frantic?"

And:  "Are you scared?"

For the most part, my answer to all three is "No."  Here's why:

Excited?

Actually, the answer is "yes and no."  I think this is because I'm seeing every bit of life as part of the journey.  So I'm not waiting for the journey to start.  I'm experiencing it now.  And when we step on the plane June 2 to fly to Australia, I think it will feel less like being shot out of a cannon and more like turning a page.

There are so many things to be excited about right now:

Bon Voyage Mode

I'm excited about all the get-togethers with friends. Many of these were planned prior to our decision to travel, so they have serendipitously turned into bon voyages.  And I find myself cherishing this time with friends since who knows when we'll meet again?  Knowing we are leaving adds an extra sweetness.  But of course, even if we're not leaving, we never know what the future holds.  So perhaps the trick is to always be in bon voyage mode!

Dave's surprise birthday party in bon voyage mode

Gifting Mode

I'm also cherishing gifting stuff to friends and strangers.  Yesterday, when Dave and I went to the home of friends for dinner, we brought them our fireplace accoutrements and a set of china I knew I'd never use.  These friends have just bought a new home (with three fireplaces!) and are very much in the nesting mode.  We knew these items belonged in their house.  It was lovely to see them happy about the gifts and to know pieces of us will be incorporated into their lives.

One of my friends posted on Facebook that he wanted camping equipment.  Dave said, "How about I give him mine?  I won't be using it."  So the other day, the friend came over to collect the tent, backpack, and various other equipment.  He stayed for a beer, and we had a rich and fun conversation.  Probably the most amazing conversation we've ever had. 

I've been giving books to friends I think would like them.  And recently I posted on Facebook, To keep or toss my yearbooks, that is the question?  And two high school classmates mentioned they lost their yearbooks, so I am going to mail a couple to each of them.

I'm learning that gifting stuff in a meaningful way is a powerful human connector.  This is part of the journey that, yes, I'm excited about.

Relishing-the-Page-I'm-On Mode

I've also been relishing my last days of teaching, including bringing a bottle of champagne to my final creative writing meeting, and hanging out in my office during finals week so students could come by with their papers and to say goodbye.  One student brought me flowers, and several brought me heart-felt cards.  It was so gratifying to see that many of them were inspired to write and live more richly as a result of my class.

There's nothing like champagne to make a meeting fun!  (I guess we all got a little blurry...)

As I posted on Facebook, here's how I felt the last day of class:

Yes I cried in the last class today, my last after all these years at SJSU. Yes my students gave an amazing poetry reading where we all laughed and cried and applauded. Yes I read a piece inspired by that very class. Yes we all group hugged. Yes it was more amazing than I ever dreamed it would be. Yes, my heart keeps expanding beyond dimensions I ever dreamed possible. Yes, I say yes to life.

Frantic?

Dave and I decided we were going to focus on our physical, mental and spiritual health during this time.  So we've been eating well, doing yoga, meditating, and getting a lot of sleep and fresh air.  Oh, and laughing a lot!

I believe this is why all of our preparations have been like buttah.  We take care of details when we are inspired to do so:  some packing, throwing something in the car to give to a friend, putting something on Craig's list to give away, confirming a flight, making a lodging reservation, communicating with a friend we're staying with.  And if things ever start to feel hard or jagged, we stop and come back to it later.  I have a list with some items to take care of--and when I look at it, I'm pleasantly surprised that I can strike off a few things.

Every once in a while, certain thoughts creep up on me like, Oh my god I'm going to forget something crucial!  Or Holy crap, what the hell are we in for?  Then I employ my best version of a yogi and watch that thought swim by.  I recently read that if you don't repress or act-out on a thought, it will dissipate within 90 seconds.  Ah, such freedom from my monkey mind!

Two tigers

Scared?

If a fearful thought enters my mind, my mantra is this:  I can freak out, or get curious.  Example:

Fearful thought:  Oh my god, we are going to be without a home!

Freak Out:  You'll feel lonely and lost! You're living too much on the edge! If you keep this up, you'll be homeless not by choice but for real some day!

Get Curious:  I wonder what new thing is around the corner?  I wonder what amazing people we will meet?  I wonder how we'll grow?  I wonder what new ideas of "home" we will foster and explore?


This reminds me of the the old Indian tale, in which a grandfather tells his grandchild:

"You have two tigers inside you.  One is love and compassion.  The other is fear and anger."

The grandchild asks, "Which one will win?"

He answers:  "The one we feed."

I guess it's really happening ...

since my publisher has my book on the front page of their website.

Re-reading the novel as I go through the galleys is fun. It's strange, I can remember exactly where I was physically and emotionally as I wrote certain passages. I'm so curious what it'll be like for people who know nothing about the book to read it ... an experience I'll never have.

I'm also doing a lot of things to try to get the word out, including a lot of internet time. Damn you, Collin Kelley, for getting me started on Facebook. I'm already having the DTs when I'm away from it for more than an hour.

*

I just discovered I was quoted on mirabile dictu: feminism, poetry, images politics--a very cool blog.

When you're quoted, does that mean you're now part of the canon or something?