Wednesday, June 11, 2008

What the straights can learn from the gays

From a New York Times article based on a study of same-sex couples:

Notably, same-sex relationships, whether between men or women, were far more egalitarian than heterosexual ones. In heterosexual couples, women did far more of the housework; men were more likely to have the financial responsibility; and men were more likely to initiate sex, while women were more likely to refuse it or to start a conversation about problems in the relationship. With same-sex couples, of course, none of these dichotomies were possible, and the partners tended to share the burdens far more equally.

While the gay and lesbian couples had about the same rate of conflict as the heterosexual ones, they appeared to have more relationship satisfaction, suggesting that the inequality of opposite-sex relationships can take a toll.

“Heterosexual married women live with a lot of anger about having to do the tasks not only in the house but in the relationship,” said Esther D. Rothblum, a professor of women’s studies at San Diego State University. “That’s very different than what same-sex couples and heterosexual men live with.”

Other studies show that what couples argue about is far less important than how they argue. The egalitarian nature of same-sex relationships appears to spill over into how those couples resolve conflict.

One well-known study used mathematical modeling to decipher the interactions between committed gay couples. The results, published in two 2003 articles in The Journal of Homosexuality, showed that when same-sex couples argued, they tended to fight more fairly than heterosexual couples, making fewer verbal attacks and more of an effort to defuse the confrontation.

Controlling and hostile emotional tactics, like belligerence and domineering, were less common among gay couples.

Same-sex couples were also less likely to develop an elevated heartbeat and adrenaline surges during arguments. And straight couples were more likely to stay physically agitated after a conflict.
“When they got into these really negative interactions, gay and lesbian couples were able to do things like use humor and affection that enabled them to step back from the ledge and continue to talk about the problem instead of just exploding,” said Robert W. Levenson, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley.

The findings suggest that heterosexual couples need to work harder to seek perspective. The ability to see the other person’s point of view appears to be more automatic in same-sex couples, but research shows that heterosexuals who can relate to their partner’s concerns and who are skilled at defusing arguments also have stronger relationships.


Lisa Nanette Allender said...

As a Bi-woman, I can guarantee you this is very, very true. While I can fall-in-love with a man or a woman, it's a fact that seeing through the eyes of another is simply easier--when that person is your same gender, and I believe that's because we "relate" to the world in the same way.
btw, Kate, you'll be here for the Second Annual Atlanta Queer Lit Fest, in October, yes?

Kate Evans said...

Yes, Lisa, I will be there! Really looking forward to it. :)

Collin Kelley said...

Thanks for the link on this, Kate. I'm happy to say I'm friends with all my exes. The relationship may have ended but I still keep in touch with most of them.

Kate Evans said...

Yeah, this whole thing about being friends with exes in an interesting aspect of the queer community. I was straight for 30 years, and I'm in still in contact with only one ex-boyfriend.