Thoughts on Marriage: Same-sex and Otherwise

 

I have been married three times.  Actually four, if you count the illegal one.

My first was to a guy I met when I was twenty.  We married two years later.  I don't know why I needed to grow up so fast.  Maybe it was so I could reverse age.  (I do feel younger now than I did then!)

My second was the illegal one.  We couldn't marry legally because we were both women.  But in February 2004, the city of San Francisco announced it was giving marriage licenses to same-sex couples.  So we high-tailed it to city hall and married on the spot. Six months later we were among 4,000 couples to have our marriage ruled void by the Supreme Court of California.

That didn't feel too good.

But then, a few years later, same-sex marriage was ruled legal in California.  So we got hitched again.  Legalization was short-lived.  Six months later, Prop 8 passed and same-sex marriage again became illegal.  But our marriage--along with about 100,000 others--was kept in tact.  Talk about weird: some same-sex couples remained married while others were banned from getting married.

It was then obvious to me that there was an irreversible crack in the system.  "Everything has a crack in it, that's how the light gets in," Leonard Cohen once wrote.  In light of all these rulings, and in light of what was happening in other states (and countries), and in light of more and more same-sex couples and their families talking about how marriage related to their life experiences, everyone's awareness seemed to be expanding. 

In direct proportion to that growth, my relationship was dying.  We'd been together for fifteen years, but just six months after our legal marriage, we were falling apart.  Marriage Equality for us now meant Divorce Equality.  Kinky Friedman put it best when he said:  "I support gay marriage.  I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us."

We went through the usual ugly things peoplego through when they get divorced. And then I experienced what a lot of people do after a dark night of the soul:  A rebirth.  A transformation.  You know:  Ashes, Phoenix.  I have forgiven myself and all involved.  I've let it go.  I can now see how much the experience helped me grow.  It wasn't easy to get here, but it's a fabulous place to be.

My fourth marriage?  It happened last year.  I was very aware when Dave and I decided to get married that our genders made it possible. I also thought about how once he and I got married, no one else could take it away.

On the other hand, it was also clear to me what direction history was headed in.  After all, it wasn't until 1967 that the ban on interracial marriage--still existent in 16 states--was overturned by the Supreme Court.  And it wasn't long ago that husbands weren't allowed in the delivery room.  (Some men handcuffed themselves to their wives when they went into labor.)  Hell, in the scope of time, it wasn't very long ago that Americans could own other human beings because their skin was the color of our current President. 

So no matter what the Supreme Court rules, now that it's begun deliberations on the issue, I have no doubt same-sex marriage will, one day, be as much a no-brainer here as it in in Canada, the Netherlands, and Spain, among other countries. (UPDATE: June 26, 2015: Supreme Court gives a thumb's up to marriage equality!)

But back to me.  Some people thought I was crazy to re-marry.  Really?  Get married again, after what you went through?

And my answer:  Yes.  What good is growing if you don't get to embrace what you've learned?   The reality is that we change and grow.  And sometimes we can do that within the boundaries of our marriages, and sometimes we can't.

Obviously, there's something about being married that I like.  My life has been enriched by each relationship I've had.  I can see now that marriage is not a panacea.  I get so much joy out of creating a world with Dave.  I'm grateful we both bring to this marriage a lot of life experience and inner work.  But marriage does not bring happiness.  I bring my happiness to it. 

Coming together for full equality for all

Friday night Annie and I marched in San Francisco for Marriage Equality and against Prop 8. It was an amazing night; city police estimate 18,000 people were there.

Sunday we drove to Sacramento for a rally and march with about 5,000 people. Christine Chavez, granddaughter of Cesar Chavez, spoke along with many others. It was a powerful event of solidarity. Governor Schwarzenegger did not make an appearance, but yesterday he spoke out on CNN saying, "I think this will go back into the courts. ... It's the same as in the 1948 case when blacks and whites were not allowed to marry; this fallsinto the same category." (It wasn't until 1967 that the Supreme Court declared anti-miscegenation laws illegal in Loving v. Virginia.)

Mark Leno

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On another note: Annie and I have taken the Internet out of our house. At this moment, I'm blogging at the Peet's down the street. I'm definitely having withdrawals, but overall, I'm much happier, more organized, less harried, more relaxed and more focused not checking my email 24/7. I do it at work, when I also spend some time on Crack-book (I mean Facebook) and all the other social networks. I'm getting more reading, writing, gardening and walking done. Life is good.

Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. --Martin Luther King, Jr.

Equality comes with struggle. Always.

Yes, I've been extremely disappointed with the passage of Prop 8 and the results of other same-sex marriage issues on ballots in other states.

I take it personally since Annie and I got married in July.

However, seeing President-elect Obama on stage Tuesday night reminds me of something extremely important. All civil rights come with struggle. Every person who integrated a school, every person of color who sat at a whites-only lunch counter or in the front of a bus, every person who refused to see skin color as moral difference, every person who refused to use the bible to promote racism: each one of these people made President Obama possible.

And now, every queer person who comes out, every straight person who supports same-sex marriage, every straight person with a queer family member who treats them just the same in private and public as their straight family members, every person who flies a pride flag, every person who continues to educate others that gay people have familes too, every person who continues to fight Prop 8 and every other initiative that would make queer people second-class citizens, every person who insists on separation of church and state: each one of these people will make true equality possible for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people.

This election period was a huge set-back for gay rights. And yet the force behind these events is not more powerful than the force behind equality. Those who would try to stop marriage equality are not in line with the inevitable. Same-sex marriage is legal in Masschusetts, Canada, Spain, South Africa and Belgium. And although separate but not equal is not true equality, all of the many other places in the world that offer domestic partnerships are part of this sea change.

In spite of these election results, there is no question what direction we are headed in. Yes, the passage of Prop 8 was a supreme disappointment. It won't be our last. But we must continue to fight. As Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope."

Trying to unbake the cake

McCain's calling his hateful constituents on their ignorant, vengeful, racist comments about Obama is like someone trying to unbake a cake. And he and Palin are the chefs.






It's extremely disconcerting to see how much hate is out there and how easy it is to whip up a furor, or Fuhrer. And it's notable how McCain didn't refute the notion that being an Arab is a horrible thing. Instead he said Obama's a decent man--implying no Arab could be.

The only light in this dark situation is that the hate seems to be backfiring. Recent polls show Obama with a double-digit lead in some areas and with a 4 point lead nationwide.

Funny how shit runs downhill ... now a bi-partisan panel has found that Palin broke the law, abusing her power as governor. That's what you get when you don't vett a maverick. I wonder if this means that SNL will uninvite her to their October 25 show?

In the face of all the political brouhaha I almost didn't see this amazing development: same sex marriage has been ruled legal in Connecticut! Three states down, 47 to go.

From Ellen Bass

Wedding Song

Now let fear go out singing, the silver gate unlatched.

Now let the past tear loose from the branches, scarlet leaves flying.

Send the bridesmaids out at dawn

to sprinkle gold dust on the spider webs.

Let the oysters float on their briny thrones.

Drink them down with a toast to the goddess of luck.

May the wine plunge through your veins

and swim to all the heart's giddy chambers.

You are making a home for the pilgrim to rest,

architecture of skin and bone.

Raise the rafters. Drill the well. Each room

is a lung you fill with your breath.

Let love grow wild, insist on itself.

Let it be relentless, a weed with ghost white roots.

Joy be welcome. Enter at midnight.

Shine on these lovers braided and oiled.

Sorrow be welcome. Sit at the table.

Lay down your helmet. Lay down your head.

May the hinge of this day open like wings.

May night enfold you in its great black plumage.

--Ellen Bass

Friends and Writers,

I don't normally send out political mailings because we all have too much email flooding our mailboxes, but the right to marry affects me very personally so I am asking for your help.

In my own life I've experienced the devastating effects of homophobia. I didn't come out a a lesbian until I was 35 so I had years of life experience and could withstand any discrimination, judgments, or hatred directed at me. But my children were vulnerable and suffered in ways that were heartbreaking.

I know that extending the right to marry to gays and lesbians won't end all discrimination and pain for gays and lesbians and their families, but I am sure that it is a crucial step. I believe that if the right to marry is extended to gays and lesbians that we will save lives--gay youth will be able to visualize a healthy, loving future for themselves. We will support the children in gay and lesbian families. And we will afford respect to gay and lesbian couples.

My partner, Janet Bryer, and I have been together for 25 years, through raising children, through good times and bad, through sickness and health. It's still hard for me to comprehend how some people assume they have the right to regulate other people's hearts. But right now the polls say that voters are about equally split on this issue. And the anti-gay forces are pouring money into it. No On 8, the campaign to defeat the ban on marriage, is in serious need of funds. For many of us, the bulk of our efforts--both monetary and time--are going into the presidential election. This is certainly true for me. But if we all make even a small donation to the No on 8 campaign, it will add up to a significant contribution.

Whether you are gay or not, whether you live in California or not, whether you even believe in the institution of marriage or not, this is a critical time to defend equality for all people.

To contribute online, please go to Equality California.

Or send a check to:
NO on 8 – Equality California
Attn: Leanne Pittsford
2370 Market St, 2nd Floor
San Francisco, CA 94114

Thanks for your help. If each person who receives this email sends $25, that would be over $50,000! If you don't have $25, please send $10 or $5. And of course if you can send $50 or $100 or more, that would be terrific.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you for making a contribution. Thank you for your integrity and your support.--Ellen

Brad rocks!

Thelma & Louise is one of my all-time favorite movies. I remember watching Brad Pitt -- who wasn't BRAD PITT then -- and thinking, "This guy's lighting up the screen." Of course he was no match for Susan Sarandon & Geena Davis, but still ...

I haven't been thrilled with many of his movies since then. However, now I'm totally digging this guy like the old Thelma & Louise days. He has just donated $100,000 to the No on 8 campaign. This proposition would eliminate the marriage equality we now have in California. It's a hateful proposition that wants to overturn same-sex marriage that the California courts have deemed a civil right.

Brad Pitt has made it known that he won't marry Angelina Jolie until there is full marriage equality. In his statement today he said: "Because no one has the right to deny another their life, even though they disagree with it, because everyone has the right to live the life they so desire if it doesn't harm another and because discrimination has no place in America, my vote will be for equality and against Proposition 8."

Bless you, Del Martin

Renowned LGBT activist Del Martin died today ...

Del Martin, 87 and her partner Phyllis Lyons, 83, became the first gay couple in the nation to legally marry on Feb. 12, 2004, after having spent almost 50 years as a couple.

Their marriage was deemed void later that same year, but this summer, when the California Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is legal, Del and Phyllis were, once again, the first to wed.

Del and Phyllis did so much for queer rights, for civil rights. These are two amazing women. I'm indebted to them, to all they've done in their lifetimes.

Click here if you'd like to sign Del Martin's guest book.

I feel so sad for Phyllis right now.

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This is one of my most difficult realizations, the knowledge that either Annie or I will go first. I even wrote a poem a few years ago about it:

First

I have to die first, you say. When we met
we called in sick, ate in bed, let dishes and dust
collect. Blossoms confettied out-
side. We were like foals, newly testing

our skeletal limbs. I have to die first,
you say, the woman who stopped eating
when the dog died, as though feeling
your flesh wasn’t yours, or didn’t exist

anymore. So you think I’m the strong
one, the one who can stand being left.
Me, the one who, alone in the house, dusts
the furniture, the remainders of our long

departed skin. The one who wipes the ghost
of our fingerprints from the mirror, who
washes our scent from the sheets, who
rinses the spoon that touched the moist-

ness of your tongue. When we were in bed
last night we imagined how we’d go. Our
favorite: I’m 100, you’re 104.
Our hearts stop, just stop, gently, you said,

in our sleep. At exactly the same moment.
But we know there are likelier fates.
I have to die first, you say. And it’s late,
it’s late. We’re drifting off, even as you say it.

Our wedding announcement

has appeared in the Bay Area Reporter amidst announcements of four adorable male couples. Click here and scroll down.

Ellen and Portia marry, Thomas Jefferson gives a thumbs up

From a quotation on the Jefferson Memorial:

"I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and constitutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change, with the change of circumstances, institutions must advance to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors."

Wedding Day: Aloha & Mahalo

To all who sent us messages via this blog and other ways, thank you will all our hearts for exuding love and support. Our wedding day was nothing short of amazing. The energy created by the love of those physically and psychically present had everything to do with the joy and perfection of the day. The weather was just right as we floated on the Monterey Bay in this little tour boat with our small group of family and close friends. It was an incredible feeling to see gathered together people who have known and loved us over the years in many different places and times. As everyone arrived, Annie and I placed a purple orchid lei around each person's neck in greeting. (We ordered the lei from Hawaii, a place that means a lot to us, and they were shipped to us. California Poet Laureate Al Young recently wrote a poem for us based on a picture we took in Hawaii.)

A few little kids who were passing by on the wharf shouted out, "Aloha!"--the greeting of love, symbiosis, grace and peace. There were a number of strangers we came into contact with us that day, and all of them beamed with happiness, wishing us "congratulations" in one way or another.

We boarded the boat to "Roller Coaster of Love" playing over the boat's loudspeaker--especially apropos since the roller coasters of the Boardwalk were in full swing in the distance as we pulled out to sea. That song segued into a whole set of songs Annie had burned onto a CD, including "our song":


When the boat came to a stop near the harbor, everyone gathered at the stern. Our friend Mary Beth, who was deputized for our ceremony, was truly inspirational as she called attention not only to our relationship but to the power of all love. Birds were singing and circling. As soon as Mary Beth talked about transitions in life--how we'd been through so many, how a healthy relationship grows through those transitions--Annie's brother and nephew played on their guitars and beautifully sang the Green Day song "Time of Your Life" (but changing the lyrics to "I hope you have the time of your life").

Afterward, Annie and I said our words to each other, our reasons for loving and marrying each other. Finally, a glint grew in Mary Beth's eyes and she said, "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you married!" At that moment, we kissed and the captain blew the horn.

I hugged my mom, and we both sobbed.

When we got back to the wharf, everyone went to their cars to drive to the restaurant. Our friends Michele and Van chauffered us along West Cliff Drive up to Natural Bridges for a little downtime with nature. Everyone then gathered at our favorite Italian restaurant to eat on the outdoor patio. The air was so soft the heaters weren't needed.

Celebration swirled with food, wine, hilarious and poignant toasts by long-time friends Janelle and Brenda, clinking of glasses to signal us to kiss--and it all culminated in the cutting of the massive carrot cake. We hadn't planned to cut the cake and feed it to each other, but we decided to give the audience what they wanted!

Afterward, a group of about 10 of us met back at Annie's and my hotel suite overlooking the ocean. From the deck we watched the sparkling lights of the Boardwalk rides in the night. Four of our women friends stripped and jumped into the hot tub. The only man there, our friend Bobby (who's a very youthful 66), said, "No one will never believe this!"

People drifted off one by one, leaving us with our two dear friends, Carolyn and Mary Beth, who sat with us in the dark on the patio. We talked and listened to the lapping sea and barking sea lions until 1 a.m.

We didn't exchange rings that day. Instead, Annie and I both wore our wedding rings that we've had for years--and she also wore a ring that had belonged to her Mom, and I wore my dad's Chico State ring that he wore every day of his life. When I showed my cousin John I was wearing the ring, he kissed it, a gesture that took my breath away.

It is at times like these that the presence/absence of those who have gone before us becomes more immediate. My cousin Linda reminded me that 7 years ago at her son Randy's funeral, "Time of Your Life" was played. So he was present in spirit.

Also, My sister Ann tells me that my cousins Jeri Lynn and Leslie were thinking of their mother, Bonnie, that day--and that Jeri Lynn had said Bonnie would have loved the ceremony. (Annie never got to meet my Aunt Bonnie, since she died before Annie and I met, but I'm sure they would have loved each other.)

And then, at the wharf they saw this:

As Ann said, Aunt Bonnie had the best seat in the house.

I will be posting a bunch of pictures in the next few days. We are awash in love and gratitude. Aloha & Mahalo to all.

Proud

We didn't go to SF Pride today. Annie had to work (she grades Art PRAXIS exams several times a year), and I enjoyed a day at home gardening, cooking, baking, and wine drinking.

We've been to a lot of pride parades over the years in Seattle, Portland, San Jose, San Francisco and Santa Cruz. As co-chair of GLSEN in Seattle, I spearheaded the creation of a school bus float that we used to march in the Pride parade there.

My first Pride parade was in SF in 1994, the year Annie and I met. I still hadn't come out to my parents yet, and was anxious about it. As we stood cheering on a huge contingent of PFLAG people marching by, I locked eyes with a woman who wore a tee-shirt reading, "My daughter's a lesbian. Get over it." She walked over to me through the throngs and gave me a big hug and said, "You remind me of my daughter." Could anything have been a better sign to me that all would be well? (Several years later, my mom was involved in starting a PFLAG chapter in her small community.)

Although Pride can be moving and a Mardi Gras of fun, I'm not too fond of the huge crowds. So today I felt the spirit reading about world-wide Pride online and was especially moved by reading about Pride in India, Peru--and Bulgaria's first pride march (and disturbed at the arrests of 60 people who were trying to disrupt it). I have a feeling next year it'll be old hat--basically ignored by all but a freakish few.

Still, I felt a little tug at missing out on seeing Gavin Newsom in the parade...

... not to mention Cyndi Lauper.

Historic day II

There are so many great photos popping up online of all the happiness, joy and love that today--the legalization of marriage equality in California--is bringing to so many people.

Previously I posted a photo of long-time activists (founders of the Daughters of Bilitis) and partners for 53 years Phyllis Lyon (age 84) and Del Martin (age 87) getting married last night.

Here are a few more of my favorites:

Historic day

And it begins today... Annie and I were teary-eyed as we read about marriage equality beginning today in California. In the picture above, Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84, are married by San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom , center, in a special ceremony at City Hall in San Francisco, Monday, June 16, 2008.

And here's a piece in my local paper.

Annie and I are still in the planning stages of our wedding. When we fell in love 14 years ago, we never could have imagined this day.

McCain: "I am a illiterate who has to rely on my wife"

Yes, he said "a illiterate"--the form and content perfectly matched:




I guess it's McCain video day on this blog. Watch him in action with America's sweetheart, Ellen. History is so obviously going to prove him wrong. Separate is not equal:

Wedding on the water

This is the boat Annie and I will married on.

We're doing a one-hour tour of the bay in Santa Cruz with our small group of guests. Afterward, there will be time to take a quick roller coaster ride for those so inclined. Then we'll have dinner in a special outdoor spot at our favorite Italian restaurant.

After dinner, family and friends are invited to join us in the large suite at our favorite ocean-view inn. Maybe we'll even take a night beach walk.

What I'm most thrilled about is this wedding is so us. It's casual and fun, it features the ocean and sea otters and lasagne, and it's a small production. I wish I could invite you all, but as I said, a small family-centered production is very us (besides, we're both teachers, which means we ain't rich!).

In lieu of gifts, we've registered with Equality California, the group that has done a lot to make marriage equality happen. If you're interested in donating, go here. Click on "Make a Gift" and fill out all your information. At the bottom of the page, click on the drop-down mnus next to "THE HAPPY COUPLE IS" to find Tobin/Evans.

Here's to love.

Okay, we're all set

to go!

Marriage equality on a roll

A new poll indicates that now, for the first time ever, a majority of Californians support marriage equality.

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California: Same-sex marriages OK beginning June 17.

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New York to recognize out-of-state gay marriage.

I have a Republican hero!

I find it fascinating that a lifelong Republican is at the helm in making marriage equality happen in California.

He's 68-year-old California Chief Justice Ronald George.

According to this article in the San Jose Mercury News, George said that writing the 121-page ruling was the toughest in his career.

In the ruling to overturn the ban on same-sex marriage, George "relied heavily on Perez v. Sharp, the equally historic California Supreme Court ruling outlawing a ban on interracial marriage in 1948.

"He insists California's constitution dictated the outcome, not life experiences. But he acknowledged his experiences on social issues flavored his judicial thinking, recalling a trip with his European immigrant parents through the segregated South in the 1950s. There, he was first exposed to 'whites only' bathrooms and drinking fountains.

"He does not believe it will take as long for the country to follow California's lead on gay marriage as it did with interracial marriage, which was not endorsed by the U.S. Supreme Court until 1967.

"'I think some of it is a generational phenomenon,' George said of the social divide over same-sex marriage. 'I don't think it will take 19 years this time.'"